


marcus brutus is one thicc bih

by swordmemorykey



Category: Julius Caesar - Shakespeare
Genre: F/F, M/M, also all of them are lgbt sorry i dont make the rules, calphurnia and portia are very very VERY MINOR OK THERES LIKE ONE LINE, im sorry you have to read this monstrocity, this is all my friends fault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-10 09:59:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12909570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swordmemorykey/pseuds/swordmemorykey
Summary: julius caesar except it's a high school au and its written only in text format





	marcus brutus is one thicc bih

**Author's Note:**

> Usernames:
> 
> MarcusBrutus: Brutus
> 
> GaymeOn: Cassius
> 
> bowtoyourcptn: Caesar
> 
> shortbutpowerful: Antony
> 
> lesbiansdoitbetter: Portia
> 
> downwiththecistem: Casca
> 
> goldenboy: Cinna
> 
> coffeeanddepression: Cimber
> 
> LipstickandCheer: Calphurnia
> 
> TripleA: Titinius

100 new messages from HISTORY BICHESSSS  
MarcusBrutus: 100 new messages

MarcusBrutus: and not a single one is about history

lesbiansdoitbetter: i will have you know that i mentioned greece and TRIED to ask a homework  
question but SOME PEOPLE wanted to have a different conversation

shortbutpowerful: in our defense

shortbutpowerful: you chose a hell of a time

GaymeOn: what did you expect to accomplish by sending a message at 4:19

MarcusBrutus: it's 4:30

MarcusBrutus: it has literally been 20 ten minutes

LipstickandCheer: 11, actually

MarcusBrutus: aren't you supposed to be at cheer?

LipstickandCheer: we're taking a break. im the captain. i can do that.

lesbiansdoitbetter: i thought youd be all for this convo, brutus

lesbiansdoitbetter: considering this is the only time antony and cassius will ever have a civil convo

lesbiansdoitbetter: granted it was just an exchange of weed and sex jokes

GaymeOn: we have reached solidarity

shortbutpowerful: for now

GaymeOn: WAIT its 4:40, shoudln't you be oggling caesar right about now?

shortbutpowerful: shouldnt YOu be pining over brutus right about now?

LipstickandCheer: well there went "civil"

lesbiansdoitbetter: couldn't even last twenty minutes huh?

GaymeOn: does julis' ass look good in thsoe football pants?

GaymeOn: lmao what am i talknn about, what ass?

lesbiansdoitbetter: holy shit

coffeeanddepression: fucign savage

MarcusBrutus: …

MarcusBrutus: anyway

LipstickandCheer: oops gotta go back to practice bieeeee cya later

lesbiansdoitbetter: byeeeeeeee <33

coffeeanddepression: have fun jumpin and shit

MarcusBrutus: we need to talk about that project later 

GaymeOn: brutus

GaymeOn: my man

GaymeOn: buddy

GaymeOn: why is your name so fucking average

MarcusBrutus: its just my name

GaymeOn: yeah i KNOW

GaymeOn: thats why its boring

lesbiansdoitbetter: he does have a point 

MarcusBrutus: okay, what would you suggest?

GaymeOn: something fun that also makes sense with your personality

lesbiansdoitbetter: oooh what about "ilikebooksmorethanpeople" ?

goldenboy: i mean, that could work in theory but

goldenboy: what do you think about "imbadathidingmynotsosecretcrushoncassius"?

coffeeanddepression: OH OH or "ihavearagingbonerforcassius" ?

shortbutpowerful: guys guys, those are too long

shortbutpowerful: I present to you "prideandprejudomecassius"

MarcusBrutus has left the conversation

GaymeOn: I am

goldenboy: if you actually say suprised ill slap you

GaymeOn: pshhh anyone would be luck y to have me

GaymeOn: im a fuciking catch

coffeeanddepression: yeah sure

shortbutpowerful: whatever you say

GaymeOn: :(( y r yu all mean to me

lesbiansdoitbetter added MarcusBrutus to the conversation

 

1 hour later

1 new message from HISTORY BICHESSSS

bowtoyourcptn: i do too have an ass

GaymeOn: sure you do

bowtoyourcptn: antony can attest to that fact

goldenboy: ...wait a minute

coffeeanddepression: WAIT A FUCKING SECOND

downwiththecistem: DID HE JUST

bowtoyourcptn: oops

GaymeOn: HAVE YOU AND ANTONY BEEN FUCKING

bowtoyourcptn: oops

GaymeOn: I THOUGHT YOU WERE STRAIGHT???

LipstickandCheer: am I the only one not surprised by this

lesbiansdoitbetter: nah, i knew

bowtoyourcptn: how did you know?

LipstickandCheer: julius. youre not subtle.

lesbiansdoitbetter: im forced to go to the soccer games. dont think i dont see those assgrabs

goldenboy: wow

GaymeOn: holy shit

1 message from GaymeOn

GaymeOn: okay i know we dont rlly get along but

GaymeOn: holy shit i cant believe youve been hitting that and didnt tell me

GaymeOn: does our not-friendship mean nothing to you?

shortbutpowerful: lmao did he slip up? he wanted it to be secret

shortbutpowerful: cus sports and stuff

GaymeOn: yeah he told the entire history class lmao

GaymeOn: but STI LL

GaymeOn: your hiting that???

shortbutpowerful: its amazing

GaymeOn: dicc?

shortbutpowerful: you wouldnt believe me

GaymeOn: YOU LUCKY SHIT

shortbutpowerful: now you just need to man up and get with brutus

GaymeOn: he probably doesnt even like me D:

shortbutpowerful: cassius

shortbutpowerful: i dont know him that well but

shortbutpowerful: really? brutus? straight?

shortbutpowerful: and also caesar told me he likes you

GaymeOn: WAIT REALLY??

GaymeOn: LIKE 

GaymeOn: LIKES ME LIKES ME?

shortbutpowerful: somehow

GaymeOn: YOURE NOT JUST SHITTING ME?

GaymeOn: also, ouch. 

GaymeOn: Ouch

shortbutpowerful: i hope you know im gonna need payment for this information

GaymeOn: come over saturday

GaymeOn: casca has been saving up for a killer night

GaymeOn: its gonna be lit

GaymeOn: literally

shortbutpowerful: byob?

GaymeOn: please

GaymeOn: its like you dont even know me

GaymeOn: theres more than enough to go around

shortbutpowerful: nice ill be there

shortbutpowerful: but if you dont ask brutus out before then i s2g ill do it mysefl

GaymeOn: you wouldnt dare

 

Saturday Night

1 new message from HISTORY BICHESSSS

MarcusBrutus: anybody free to come study either today or tomorrow?

lesbiansdoitbetter: either works

LipstickandCheer: anytime, anyday! theres no games this weekend so

goldenboy: im down for tomorrow

bowtoyourcptn: today works better for me

goldenboy: alright fuck you too then

bowtoyourcptn: i could do tomorrow but antony is gonna be so hungover tomorrow and if hes 

alone he wont do anything but mope and text me all day

TripleA: I can't do any day, unfortunately. I'm the designated driver. Plus I've finished everything.

MarcusBrutus: designated driver for who?

TripleA: casca and cimber

lesbiansdoitbetter: IS CASSIUS HAVING ANOTHER PARTY

lesbiansdoitbetter: THAT I WASNT INVITED TO

GaymeOn: ayy u cn sil com

coffeeanddepression: htress enugh ti go arond

lesbiansdoitbetter: you better save some, im omw

lesbiansdoitbetter: sorry Brutus, gotta raincheck on that studying tonight

lesbiansdoitbetter: im free tomorrow tho, i rlly need help w those history prompts

MarcusBrutus: so, studying tomorrow then? 

bowtoyourcptn: works for me

LipstickandCheer: yup!

TripleA: I can try

shortbutpowerful: hye bruts

MarcusBrutus: yes?

shortbutpowerful: r yu free nrct frday?

MarcusBrutus: next friday?

MarcusBrutus: yeah, why?

shortbutpowerful: GRESY! cu im nyt

shortbutpowerful: but csas is

MarcusBrutus: did you just...ask me out...for him?

TripleA: he did.

TripleA: I've confiscated his phone but the offer still stands

MarcusBrutus: uhm

MarcusBrutus: sure? yeah?

TripleA: great. thanks. now i have to get back to making sure nobody dies tonight. goodnight!

MarcusBrutus: goodnight

LipstickandCheer: night!

 

1 new message from MarcusBrutus  
MarcusBrutus: did that

MarcusBrutus: did that just happen

MarcusBrutus: did he really ask me out??

lesbiansdoitbetter: technically antony asked you out

MarcusBrutus: still!!

MarcusBrutus: he likes me!

lesbiansdoitbetter: was

lesbiansdoitbetter: was he not obvious enough?

lesbiansdoitbetter: why are guys so oblivious

lesbiansdoitbetter: this is why im a lesbian

MarcusBrutus: and because boobs

lesbiansdoitbetter: mhmm love me some tiddys

MarcusBrutus: hey werent you going over to cassius'?

lesbiansdoitbetter: ye im walking over rn

lesbiansdoitbetter: why?

MarcusBrutus: just wondering why you were texting back so quickly

lesbiansdoitbetter: haha yeah

lesbiansdoitbetter: anyway gtg now

MarcusBrutus: dont get too high/wasted/whatever else

lesbiansdoitbetter: you know i cant promise that

lesbiansdoitbetter: but ill try

MarcusBrutus: i guess thats all i could really expect

 

Monday

 

1 new message from HISTORY BICHESSSS

GaymeOn: Pompey is gonna kiiiiill meeeee

MarcusBrutus: you forgot there was homework again, didnt you?

GaymeOn: in my defense

GaymeOn: i rarely remember homework

MarcusBrutus: do you want to copy mine?

coffeeanddepression: are my eyes deceiving me?

coffeeanddepression: did Marcus Junius Brutus suggest copying his homework?

coffeeanddepression: "model student" Marcus Brutus did not just condone copying

coffeeanddepression: he SUGGESTED IT!

coffeeanddepression: if i knew dating him would get me a free ride on all homework i would  
have hit that a while ago

coffeeanddepression: instead i had to stay up all night doing it

coffeeanddepression: do you know how much coffee ive had?

downwiththecistem: the same amount as usual?

coffeeanddepression: ...ive been called out

goldenboy: i mean

goldenboy: theyre not wrong

MarcusBrutus sent a photo

downwiththecistem: feeling #blessed cus i didnt do it either thanks brutus youre a lifesaver

coffeeanddepression: hes so fucking whipped if he can go against all his moral codes for cass  
of all people

GaymeOn: HOLY SHIT THANK YOU SO MUCH I COULD KISS YOU RIGTH NOW

GaymeOn: ALSO WOW RUDE CIMBER YOU WISH YOU COULD GET AT THIS

MarcusBrutus: i mean, you can

MarcusBrutus: kiss me

MarcusBrutus: only if you want to!

MarcusBrutus: but the offer is there

GaymeOn: im gonna come kiss you so fuckig hard

coffeeanddepression: im disgusted

coffeeanddepression: here i was, enjoying a nice coffee and sandwich

coffeeanddepression: minding my own business, wondering what my friends were talkng about

coffeeanddepression: only to open my phone and find THIS 

coffeeanddepression: i do not need this 

coffeeanddepression: i do not want this

GaymeOn: youre just jelous 

coffeeanddepression: a relationship is the opposite of what i want lmao

coffeeanddepression: antony and caesar dont do this in the fucking group chat

GaymeOn: me n brutus are cuter than them 

shortbutpowerful: EXCUSE YOU?

bowtoyourcptn: lets show them, babe

LipstickandCheer: ARE WE HAVING A RELATIONSHIP-OFF?

goldenboy: this can only end in disaster

lesbiansdoitbetter: im excited

coffeeanddepression: what did i do to deserve this

lesbiansdoitbetter: after school. bleachers. be there or accept defeat.

 

After School 

 

1 new message from HISTORY BICHESSSS

coffeeanddepression sent a photo

coffeeanddepression sent a photo

coffeeanddepression sent a photo

coffeeanddepression sent a photo

coffeeanddepression sent a photo

coffeeanddepression sent a photo

coffeeanddepression: that was the funniest thing ive ever seen

shortbutpowerful: I WILL NOT ACCEPT DEFEAT

GaymeOn: THE JUDGES RULED IN OUR FAVOR

GaymeOn: BRASSIUS FOREVERRRRR

coffeeanddepression: the fuck is a brassius and why is it forever

MarcusBrutus: cass says its our "ship name"

shortbutpowerful: babe why dont we have a ship name

shortbutpowerful: i want a ship name :((

bowtoyourcptn: our names dont mesh well

downwiththecistem: i, for one, love the sound of jarcus

goldenboy: jarc for short?

downwiththecistem: absolutely

LipstickandCheer: what about canter? or cantony?

LipstickandCheer: the c sounds like an s

downwiththecistem: i like the way you think

shortbutpowerful: i hate all of you

GaymeOn: SEE? ME AND BRUTUS ARE CLEARLY THE BETTER COUPLE

GaymeOn: EVEN OUR SHIP NAME IS FAR SUPERIOR

shortbutpowerful: YOU MAY HAVE WON THIS ROUND BUT THIS ISNT OVER

shortbutpowerful: ME AND CAESAR WILL COME OUT SUPERIOR IN THE END

 

1 new message from bowtoyourcptn

 

bowtoyourcptn: our bfs sure are something huh?

MarcusBrutus: yeah, somethings the right word

bowtoyourcptn: i hope you know im not part of this feud 

MarcusBrutus: me neither

MarcusBrutus: still friends?

bowtoyourcptn: absolutely

MarcusBrutus: but if cassius asks

MarcusBrutus: we never talked and i will destroy you in this relationship-off

bowtoyourcptn: same

bowtoyourcptn: so we have a deal then?

MarcusBrutus: mhmm

 

Sometime Later (like a day or so)

 

1 new message from Brooty

Brooty: cassius

GaymeOn: yes love?

Brooty: did you change my username

GaymeOn: it was soooo boooring

Brooty: it was my name

GaymeOn: EXACTLY! 

Brooty: okay, but why “brooty?”

GaymeOn: its a play on yur name

GaymeOn:get it?

GaymeOn: cus yuve been rlly broody lately

GaymeOn: and also cus that ass is thicc

GaymeOn: i bet its not the only part thats thicc AMIRIGHT

you can no longer message this user

GaymeOn: babe

GaymeOn: babe why

 

1 new message from HISTORY BICHESSSS

 

GaymeOn: BABE NO

TripleA: oh no

Coffeeanddepression: what did you do now?

Brooty sent a photo

GaymeOn: YORE EXPOSING ME

TripleA: cass. buddy.

goldenboy: why. just

goldenboy: why

downwiththecistem: CASSIUS

downwiththecistem: IM CRYUGN

TripleA: dont encourage this

GaymeOn: CASCA IS THE ONLY ONE WHO APPRECIATES ME

goldenboy sent a video

TripleA: NO

Brooty: et tu, cinna?

GaymeOn: I havent even clicked the video but i bet its goes "marcus brutus is one thicc bih lemme see that brussy"

GaymeOn: IT FUCKIGN

GaymeOn: CINNA I LOVE YOU

Brooty has left the conversation

bowtoyourcptn added Brooty to the conversation

bowtoyourcptn: if i have to stay here so do you

coffeeanddepression: you can never leave

lesbiansdoitbetter: youre stuck with us

GaymeOn: FOREVER

downwiththecistem: FOREVER

shortbutpowerful: FOREVER

shortbutpowerful: dammit

downwiththecistem: i cant believe we all went for it

LipstickandCheer: i can. i had no faith in us.

shortbutpowerful: WOW

1 new message from GaymeOn

GaymeOn: you know it was a joke, right?

GaymeOn: i can...not do that anymore

GaymeOn: or well i can try

GaymeOn: if it makes you uncomfortable

Brooty: just caught me off guard

GaymeOn: you can change your name back if you want

Brooty: nah, ive become kind of attached to this one

GaymeOn: okay good cus it took me longer than i want to admit coming up w it

Brooty: god i love you

Brooty: wait shit was that too soon?

GaymeOn: i love me too

Brooty: i take back what i just said

GaymeOn: (i love you too you dork)


End file.
